Counselling for the impact of adverse childhood experiences, mother and father wounds and early life patterns. Online UK. BACP Accredited therapist Kate Heavey.
We get injured in relationship and we heal in relationship.
Being here means you have some awareness that your childhood experiences are impacting you.
You may have learnt to say to the world you feel fine yet you may get a sense that something is not ok internally and you may not currently have the words to put to your experience as the ‘abnormal has become normal’. Meaning a healing relationship is needed to unpick some of your learnt ways of being in the world which, today, may be contributing to inner conflict.
Symptoms can include:
- Overthinking and self-doubt
- People-pleasing
- Feeling anxious or avoiding
- Not feeling good enough
- A fear of being rejected, abandoned or feeling inadequate
These patterns are unlikely to have begun in adulthood. They are likely to have developed earlier in life as ways of adapting to what was happening around you. And because they developed so early, they can feel like they are who you are, rather than something you learned.
Making sense of early experiences
Early relationships shape how you learned to see yourself, others and the world around you (called mirroring and twinship). This includes your experiences with parents, caregivers, family, siblings and the emotional environment you grew up in.
If you were met with consistency, safety, security, attention and emotional availability, chances are you would not be reading this page. If you were not, you may now have symptoms that cause you distress today.
These can include:
- Putting others first and losing sight of your own needs
- Being highly self-critical
- Perfectionism
- Struggling to trust your own feelings or decisions
- Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
- Finding it hard to set boundaries
- Unable to tolerate conflict
- Shutting down or going quiet when things feel like too much
- Withdrawing because you fear being left
- Saying you are fine when you feel far from it (masking)
All of these are symptoms of adaptation where you learned to be a certain way in order to gain acceptance and receive love, at a cost to your own authenticity.
Children are great at adapting, internalising the belief that they are the problem or bad, as they cannot bear the thought that it is others who are. Have you ever thought ‘I am bad?’ It really is not you. It was that your environment was mis-attuned to your needs, due to the limitations of those around you. None of this is about blame. It is about understanding how, being young and vulnerable, adaptation was the only tool you had.
It is unlikely you will have seen a caregiver as the source of your discomfort, because without that relationship you would not have survived, so you adapted. You made it. You may now have coats of armour, or a sad shield, to deal with life. In therapy we tentatively look at your armour, gently removing it so you celebrate being beautiful authentic you, often called the Self.
And you have adapted well. You are still here, reading this page, trying to figure things out. That is 100% great survival.
And my sense is you are here now as you want to thrive rather than merely survive.
You want to understand why you adapted.
You want to choose new ways of being.
You want to live as the person you were born to be.
If this resonates, you may not need to read further. Check my current availability on my home page, and if a weekly slot works for you, get in touch.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
The more Adverse Childhood Experiences you had, the more likely you are to mask and say to the world you are fine.
Research identifies ten recognised ACEs.
Five are personal:
- Physical abuse
- Verbal abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Physical neglect
- Emotional neglect
Five relate to the household you grew up in:
- A parent or household member with alcohol or substance misuse
- A parent or household member with mental illness
- Witnessing domestic violence
- A household member being incarcerated
- Parental separation or divorce
The more of these you experienced, the more adaptations you may have had to make. These adaptations may also have taught you survival skills such as inner resilience, stubbornness, tenacity, self-will and hyper-independence.
Mother and Father Wounds
The relationship you had with both your mother and father each leave their own mark, and the two are rarely identical.
A parent does not need to be absent for a wound to form. They can be physically present and a wound may still develop, through unpredictability, criticism, or simply not being emotionally available in the way you needed them to be at the time.
A mother wound can form from the absence of one of three core needs.
- Nurturance: being soothed, comforted and emotionally met.
- Protection: feeling safe enough to simply be a child, rather than having to look after yourself, or others.
- Guidance: having someone help you make sense of you, and your world, as you grow up.
When one or more of these are missing, you may have learned to attune to others’ needs rather than your own, to manage your own feelings because no one else consistently did, or to find your own way through without a sense of direction.
A father wound often comes from the gap between the father you needed and the father who was there. What you needed was someone who made you feel safe and who could mirror back who you are, so you could begin to know your own worth.
If your dad was emotionally unavailable, you may have made sense of that by deciding something was wrong with you. If he was physically around but invalidating, you may have learned to look outwards for approval, doing things that earned acceptance and praise. Achieving, performing, being useful, being impressive, anything that might have you seen and valued. This often becomes a template that continues long after childhood, shaping how you relate to partners, to work, to authority, even to yourself.
Therapy often includes grief work around letting go of the father you wished for, recognising the one you may still quietly hope for, with movement towards the one you actually experienced. Who was Dad to you?
Many of the patterns already described on this page often have their roots in one or both of these relationships. It is about understanding the shape they left within you.
How these patterns may show up today
You may notice:
- Repeating the same relationship patterns however much you want things to be different
- Feeling anxious, on edge or emotionally overwhelmed
- Feeling not enough despite what you have achieved
- Finding it hard to relax or feel settled in yourself
- Feeling disconnected from who you really are
- Feeling fearful
- A sense of being weird, a misfit, or an outcast
- Craving a sense of belonging
- Finding that conflict frightens you
Many people describe understanding their process logically but not being able to connect with it emotionally. Part of our work is rebuilding that connection so you can utilise both in unison (the Wise Mind).
When things start to make sense
One of the most powerful moments in my work is when clients start to realise the impact of the past and that the past does not need to be their present.
Realising that their behaviours are not personality flaws. That they are learned ways of being in the world, to stay in relationship, at a cost to their authentic self.
They begin to identify that they are not difficult or too much, and never have been. That was someone else’s concept of them. When this understanding arrives, something begins to shift. A wow moment if you like. A relaxing in the body. A releasing of shame. A revelation.
“I get it now. This is why.”
That moment is what we work towards.
How We Work Together
Together we gently peel back some of the layers, reuniting you with you, so you have the freedom and choice to make decisions for you, with awareness of others, yet not controlled by others. This is authenticity v attachment (Gabor Maté).
We work on you recreating patterns as your brain is remappable. We get to the root cause of your behaviours where you can truly see that you have been a product of others and, as you begin to embrace change, you start to heal from within. This is where the true magic happens as you begin to self-trust, realising you are worthy of connection. You re-map your brain and life begins to change for you.
This is why I strongly believe, ‘what is learnt can be unlearnt, if you want to’.
My approach is relational which means I tailor how we work to suit you. Our work is gentle to start, with tentative challenging and, as you begin to settle, you begin to enter your own gateway to change. Eureka moments of understanding.
Our work is:
- Nurturing, supportive and steady
- Thoughtful and reflective
- Gently challenging, as needed
- Grounded in real understanding
I sit alongside you as a fellow fallible human being. Not a blank screen, but someone with warmth, openness and a willingness to be real, so you do not feel alone in what you are carrying and can take your learning into your life.
HOW does this happen? Through Honesty, Openness and a Willingness to discover the real you.
Find out more about me and how I work.
Moving towards change
As these patterns begin to make sense, your life will change and you may notice yourself:
- Reacting more consciously
- Feeling more emotionally steady
- Understanding your needs more clearly
- Relating to others with greater confidence
- Feeling more connected within yourself
- Having self-compassion
- Feeling steadier in relationship with others
Our work is not about you becoming a different person. It is about you becoming your true self; the Self you were always meant to be.
You may also find these pages helpful
Relationships - find out more
Loss and bereavement - find out more
Couple counselling - find out more
Cost
Individual — first session complimentary, then £65 per 60 minute session
Couple — first session £50 (includes pre-assessment), then £85 per 60 minute session
Trainee counsellors — £50 per 60 minute session
Reduced daytime rates are available for individuals (£60) and couples (£80). Please mention this when you get in touch.
I am a recognised therapist for Bupa, Aviva, AXA, WPA and Vitality Health employee assistance programmes.
Find out more about costs and frequently asked questions.
Contact
Please click here to contact me directly.
Email: harmoniouscounselling@gmail.com
Telephone 07941 305511
My answering machine is confidential.
Please note:- If your number is not familiar, and you do not leave a message, I will not call you back as I am unaware of your personal circumstances.
Text / WhatsApp 07941 305511
Closing thought
"If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got."
If you want change, we can begin by simply exploring what is happening for you right now, through awareness of what you have experienced. We will weave this into our work.
In the words of Carl Jung, "I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become."
What will you choose to become today?
