Kate Heavey BA (Hons) FdSc BACP (Accredited) - Loss, grief and bereavement counselling - finding your way through grief, at your own pace, in your way.  in Alfold, Cranleigh. Bereavement Zoom counselling near Chiddingfold. 

Grief is the price we pay for love.

When the Queen died in 2022, the phrase 'grief is the price we pay for love' became widely known. And it is likely to be why you find yourself here. You have loved wholeheartedly and you are now experiencing grief wholeheartedly.

Grief can feel like being catapulted off course. David Kessler, one of the world's leading experts on grief, describes it as feeling like one part of a pair of scissors. Meaning there is something missing in your life and you are left with the uncomfortable, disorientating sense of incompleteness that comes from your loss.

Therapy offers a space for your grief in a world which often wants you to move on quickly.

What is grief

Grief is the loss or death of something that mattered to you. It is a reflection of the connection you had.

It is not limited to bereavement after a death. Grief shows up after the end of a relationship, a miscarriage, a redundancy, a diagnosis, a friendship, a way of life you expected to have. Any significant loss can bring grief, and every single one of them is valid.

As David Kessler reminds us, "Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint."

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline. Your grief is your grief and it deserves to be heard and needs honouring.

What you might be feeling

One of the most disorienting things about grief is not knowing whether what you are feeling is normal. It is. Whatever it is, it is.

Emotional experiences of grief can include:

• Sadness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Loneliness
• Fatigue
• Numbness
• Helplessness
• Shock
• Yearning
• Relief or a sense of emancipation
• Shame

Physical experiences of grief can include:

• A hollowness in the stomach
• Tightness in the chest or throat
• Oversensitivity to noise
• A sense of depersonalisation, as if the world is not quite real
• Breathlessness
• Weakness in the muscles
• Difficulty with memory
• Dry mouth

There can also be a sense of denial. You know the person is no longer in your life, or has died, yet you find it impossible to accept you will never see, touch or hear their voice again. This is perfectly normal.

If this resonates, you may not need to read further. Check my current availability on the home page, and if a weekly slot works for you, get in touch. 

Understanding grief - the four stages

There are various models for understanding grief. I draw on the work of Worden, Kessler and Julia Samuel in my practice. One of the frameworks I find most useful with clients is a four stage model, not as a prescription for how grief should go, but as a map that can help you make sense of what you are feeling, or not feeling! 

(I believe this is what we all unconsciously experience multiple times a day in our daily life!)

Shock / Surprise

The initial response to loss. The world feels surreal. You may feel numb, disbelieving, unable to process what has happened. This is your mind reacting to what it cannot yet absorb.

Protest

The raw, emotional response. Anger, despair, intense yearning, the desperate wish that things were different. This stage can feel overwhelming and is often where the deepest pain lives.

Disorganisation

A place of despair and searching. Life can feel directionless. The reality of the loss begins to settle. This is often the quietest and hardest stage to be in, because the shock has worn off and the world has moved on and you are left, feeling alone.

Reorganisation

You begin to rebuild. Some pieces go back into your world picture. Others need to be rebuilt entirely. You cannot go back to what was before. You begin to build a life that holds your grief.

Grief is not a linear process so you may go back and forth many times, depending on the significance of your grief.

You might feel like you are grieving well. Then a song comes on the radio, or an anniversary arrives, or you visit a place you went to together before, and suddenly you are back in shock or protest. This is a completely normal process as you feel catapulted back to what was. 

What therapy offers over time is the ability to embrace these moments knowing you will get back to reorganisation with more ease. Grief cannot be eradicated and why would you want it to be? Grief is the most natural feeling in the world as it symbolises what has been lost.

What therapy offers

I worked as a volunteer counsellor at Sam Beare Hospice in Weybridge, supporting family members experiencing loss. That experience deeply shaped how I work with grief. I absolutely know that bereavement is not a problem to be fixed. It is a process to be accompanied.

In our sessions, I will not rush you or encourage you to reach acceptance before you are ready. What I will offer is a steady, warm, honest space for your grief to be witnessed in full, without an agenda.

We work towards you being able to continue a bond with what you have lost, whether this is a person, a relationship or something of great importance to you. It is not closure, as grief does not close. It is working towards a way of integrating the loss so you can live with it rather than being engulfed by it.

Please know you do not need to have the right words or know what you need. You just need to arrive. Together we can work on how you grow around your grief, whilst honouring it. 

Cost

Individual — first session complimentary, then £65 per 60 minute session

Couple — first session £50 (includes pre-assessment), then £85 per 60 minute session

Reduced daytime rates are available for individuals (£60) and couples (£80).  Please mention this when you get in touch. 

I am a recognised therapist for Bupa, Aviva, AXA, WPA and Vitality Health employee assistance programmes.

Find out more about costs and frequently asked questions.

Contact

Please click here to contact me directly.

Email: harmoniouscounselling@gmail.com

Telephone 07941 305511
My answering machine is confidential.
Please note:- If your number is not familiar, and you do not leave a message, I will not call you back as I am unaware of your personal circumstances. 

Text / WhatsApp 07941 305511

Closing thought

In the words of David Kessler, "Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint."

Yours will be too. And you do not have to carry it alone. What you do need to do is arrive.

And in the words of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths."

You are this person. 

Get in touch here.