Kate Heavey BA (Hons) BACP Accredited. Qualified in marriage, couple and relationship counselling and psychotherapy. In-person in Alfold, Cranleigh and Online across the UK.
We get injured in relationship and we heal in relationship.
Something has brought you here. Maybe it was last night's argument. Maybe it has been building for years. Maybe you cannot even name it yet.
Whatever it is, the fact that you are here means something. It means you have not given up. It means part of you still believes that things can be different. And that is where we begin.
The lens you see each other through
You do not see your partner as they are. You see them through the lens of your own history, your own wounds and your own unmet needs. And they see you through theirs.
Your lens was shaped long before you met each other. By the relationships you witnessed growing up. By what you learned love looks and feels like. By the ways you adapted to stay connected to the people you needed most, because your survival depended on it. Today, however, these very coping strategies may be costing you.
Right now, your learnt lenses could be turning your partner who loves you into someone who feels like a threat. They could be turning a difference of opinion into evidence that you are not enough, or not loved, or unsafe. There is so much those wonky lenses could be doing.
Being here is about getting you, and giving your relationship, a new pair of lenses to see with.
Are any of these relational patterns familiar?
There may be something on this list you recognise:
- The same argument, repeating, with no way through it
- Feeling unheard, unseen or misunderstood
- Betrayal, affairs and the question of whether trust can be rebuilt
- Distance, disconnection or loss of intimacy
- Resentment that has built up quietly over time
- One or both of you bringing unresolved past experiences into the relationship
- Major life changes such as becoming parents, bereavement or redundancy
- Feeling unfulfilled in your relationship
- Contemplating separation
Please note; I work with people who want to stay together, and with those who are considering separation yet have not yet decided.
I do not work with couples who have already decided to split.
If you have read enough and my words are resonating, you can visit my home page to check my current availability.
The crocodile and tortoise dynamic
Often in couple therapy, I notice that two people who love each other are caught in a pattern that neither of them chose and neither of them fully understands.
One moves towards, seeking connection, wanting to resolve, sometimes snapping or pursuing. The other withdraws, needing space, pulling away, going quiet. One is the crocodile. One is the tortoise.
Each is a learned way of being. Each makes sense to the individual. Both are frightened. Both threatened. Both trying to protect themselves from the same underlying fears of rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, or not being enough. Both with hearts under their exteriors longing to belong.
And yet the very things each person does to feel safe are the things that make the other feel most alone.
Seeing that pattern, really seeing it, together, is when things begin to shift.
If this already sounds like you, check my current availability on my home page, and if a weekly slot works for you, get in touch.
Blame avoids pain
When you are hurting, the most natural thing in the world is to look outward. To see what the other person is doing, or not doing. To build a case. To be right. To be fingerpointing.
I name this as 'blame avoids pain'.
Underneath the blame is your own pain. Pain that feels too vulnerable to show. Pain that has often been there long before this relationship began.
Couple therapy creates the conditions for each of you to look inward at your part in your relational dynamic. Not to take all the responsibility. Not to excuse what has been hurtful. But to understand, and to begin to change, from within.
You know you do not have the power to change another. You only have the power to change within. Yet the ripple effect of your own change is that your relationship cannot stay the same.
The MWE - Me, Me and We
There is no I in team. Yet there can be a team with two healthy Me’s.
One of the things I work towards in relationship therapy is the MWE. The ME of each person, and the WE you create together. A concept grounded in Dan Siegel's work on interpersonal neurobiology.
When either ME is lost, when one person consistently disappears into the relationship, or one person consistently prioritises themselves over it, your WE suffers.
Therapy helps each of you find, hold and anchor your own ME more clearly, so that the WE between you has something real to build on. Creating teamwork, like a three legged race, moving together yet able to separate when needed.
Using the 3 A’s, we promote individual Awareness, individual Accountability, and encourage you each to take different Action and these are the conditions to support your relationship to change.
What Therapy Offers
Like a washing machine, sometimes we need to empty the load, take a look at what is working, and put in a lighter one. Did you notice I wrote 'what IS working'? There is always something that is working, even when it feels like everything is broken. Therapy helps you find it.
My role is to hold the space for both of you. Not to take sides. Not to tell you what to do. But to help each of you feel heard, understood and safe enough to be honest about what is really happening.
We cannot know what is lost until it is gone. Therapy offers a chance to understand what you have, and what you both need, before the moment of collapse arrives (or maybe you feel it has already, and that is ok is you are working on the possibility of remaining in relationship).
I always say I hold the hope. The hope that what began as love can become love again, when both people are willing to take responsibility for themselves rather than blame or try to change the other.
Online Couple Therapy From Wherever You Are
One of the most common barriers to couple therapy is finding a time that works for you both. Evenings can be busy and may have many demands on them, and this can be when tiredness, childcare (if you have them) and life demands get in the way.
Online therapy removes this barrier entirely. Each of you can join a session from your home, a quiet work room, or even separate locations if needed. No travel, no arranging childcare, no evening carved out of an already full week.
Your sessions take place at the same time each week. That consistency matters. It is part of how the therapeutic relationship works.
If you have not done therapy online before, it is natural to be nervous. What I ask is that you both trust the intention of the other, so that when your screen closes, you trust that the other person has your back and is working towards the same outcome as you. A holding, supportive and loving relationship.
Online relationship sessions are offered via Zoom, WhatsApp and Signal. I work with couples and twos across the UK.
Cost
Prior to your first session I will email you pre-assessment forms to be completed and returned at least 72 hours before your first appointment. These provide me with background information so your first session can be conducted in the here and now. For this pre-assessment work and your initial 60 minute session, the fee charged is £50.
Thereafter: -
60 minute in-person or online session - £85
Low-cost daytime appointments available at a reduced rate of £80 (please mention when enquiring).
I am a recognised therapist for Bupa, Aviva, AXA, WPA and Vitality Health employee assistance programmes.
Find out more about costs and frequently asked questions.
Contact
Please click here to contact me directly.
Email: harmoniouscounselling@gmail.com
Telephone 07941 305511
My answering machine is confidential.
Please note:- If your number is not familiar, and you do not leave a message, I will not call you back as I am unaware of your personal circumstances.
Text / WhatsApp 07941 305511
Closing thought
David Richo expressed "Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us."
Esther Perel said "The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives."
Put those two together and the message is clear that relating and love are inside jobs. Whether you are a crocodile or a tortoise, you can find your relational MWE, if you want to.
