Kate Heavey BA (Hons) BACP Accredited. Childhood experiences and early life patterns. Understanding how the past is shaping your present.
We get injured in relationship and we heal in relationship.
Being here means you have some awareness that your childhood experiences may be impacting you. You may have learnt to feel fine to the world, yet you know that internally something is adrift and you are not quite able to pinpoint why.
‘The abnormal has become normal’.
Meaning you need a healing relationship to unpick some of your learnt ways of being in the world which, today, can be contributing to your inner conflict.
You may have learnt to overthink, self-doubt, people-please, feel anxious in relationships, or you may have a fear of not feeling good enough or being rejected.
It is unlikely these patterns began in adulthood. They are likely to have developed earlier in life as ways of adapting to what was happening around you. And because they developed so early, they can feel like who you are, rather than something you learned.
Invariably adaptations replace authenticity. What we do together is peel back some of the layers so you can be authentically you.
This may sound scary. After all, you feel this version is you. However, you are likely to feel a lot more comfortable when you are reunited with the real you, the one you were before you had to adapt to stay in relationship, at a cost to your authenticity.
We absolutely know today that patterns create and patterns destroy yet also, with remapping in the brain, patterns can change.
This is why I strongly belief, ‘what is learnt can be unlearnt, if you want to’.
Making sense of early experiences
Early relationships shape how you learned to see yourself, others and the world around you. This includes your experiences with parents, caregivers, family, siblings and the emotional environment you grew up in.
If you were inconsistently met with safety, attention or emotional availability, you may have learned ways of coping that helped you at the time but are limiting you now, especially in relationship.
These can include:
- Putting others first and losing sight of your own needs
- Becoming highly self-critical
- Perfectionism
- Struggling to trust your own feelings or decisions
- Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
- Finding it hard to set boundaries or tolerate conflict
- Feeling disconnected, overwhelmed or being quick to emotionally shut down
- Withdrawing for fear of being left
- Saying you are fine when you feel far from it
All of these are symptoms of adaptation, where you learned to be a certain way in order gain acceptance and receive love.
One thing you would have done perfectly well is adapt to your surroundings, internalising the belief that "I am the problem" rather than recognising that those around them were simply not attuned to your needs, due to their own limitations.
You will not have been able to see a significant other as the source of your difficulty, because without that relationship you would not have survived. So, you adapted. You made it. You internalised you were the problem and did what you needed to be loved. These are like coats of armour, or a sad shield, and in therapy we tentatively look at your armour gently removing it so you can be beautiful you. Therapy is about you and no longer about them.
Please know, none of this is about blame. It is purely written for you to understand how, being young and vulnerable, adaptation was the best tool you had. And you have done it well. You are still here, and you are reading this page. That is 100% great survival.
And my sense is now you want to live as you and not just survive yet thrive.
You want to understand why you have adapted.
You want to choose new ways of relating.
You truly want to live as the you that you know you truly are.
If this resonates, you may not need to read further. Check my current availability on the home page, and if a weekly slot works for you, get in touch.
A coping strategy may be alcohol or food
For some, the patterns that develop in early life show up not just in relationships but in the way they cope with difficult feelings day to day.
Increased use of alcohol, or an unhealthy relationship with food, are often not really about alcohol or food at all. They are about what these things are being used to manage. The anxiety that will not switch off. The feelings that are too big to sit with. The need to feel something, or to feel nothing. To numb. To change the way you feel.
Alcohol and food temporarily do this. Yet when the effect wears off, nothing has changed in your inner world, so you need more. Across time, you need more to get the same effect. A temporary oblivion if you like from the inner restlessness, irritability and discontentment you are internally feeling.
Society does not always understand these coping strategies. They are not character flaws or failures of willpower. They are learned ways of coping with an inner world that feels too much, or one in which you have never felt enough.
In therapy, we do not look at the symptoms. We look at why the symptoms.
This includes looking at the story you tell yourself and how you are currently living in the world. We honour your behaviours. We find new ways that are more helpful, so you can live in unison within yourself, your relationships and the world.
Understanding that is usually where things begin to shift.
(Note here: The alcohol increase described above is about a coping strategy yet there is also the disease of alcoholism where, once you take a drink, you cannot stop. Part of our work is determining if you are using alcohol as a coping strategy or if you are an alcoholic. This informs how we work).
Understanding the cycle of coping
Many people recognise a pattern or cycle in how they cope. This is often not something you consciously choose, but something that unfolds over time.
You may notice:
- Feeling a continual restlessness or irritability
- An external event that triggers or intensifies your feelings
- A sense of needing to escape how you feel
- Using alcohol / food to bring temporary relief from your discomfort
- Afterwards, a period of regret, guilt or discomfort
- A return to normality before your cycle begins again
This cycle will continue to run until you look at what is within you, what you are resentful about, what you are victimising yourself / others about.
Together, we work on you noticing and understanding your cycle so that it becomes clearer and you have choice rather than it keep repeating.
How these patterns may show up today
Early experiences often continue to shape adult life in subtle but powerful ways. You may notice:
- Repeating the same relationship patterns however much you want things to be different
- Feeling anxious, on edge or emotionally overwhelmed
- Struggling to say no or express what you need
- Feeling not enough despite what you have achieved
- Finding it hard to relax or feel settled in yourself
- Feeling disconnected from who you really are
- Using alcohol or food to manage feelings you cannot name
Many people describe a sense of understanding their process logically but not being able to connect with it emotionally. Part of our work is rebuilding the connection in your brain for you to utilise both in unison.
Psychotherapy and the moments when things start to make sense
One of the most powerful moments in my work is when clients realise the impact of the past and that the past does not need to be the present.
Realising that their behaviours are not personality flaws. That they are learned ways of being in the world, to stay in relationship, at a cost to the authentic self.
They identify that they are not difficult, broken or too much. They are someone who learned to protect themselves in the only ways available at the time. Self-adaptation to avoid rejection and ostracisation.
When that understanding arrives, something shifts. A relaxing in the body. A releasing of shame. A moment of wow-ness. A revelation.
"I get it now. This is why."
That moment is what we work towards.
How we work together
My approach is relational. I tailor how we work to suit you because there is no one size fits all.
We do not force change. We begin by understanding what happened to you and why it made sense at the time. From there, we gently explore what might need to shift within you.
Our work is:
- Nurturing, supportive and steady
- Thoughtful and reflective
- Gently challenging, as needed
- Grounded in real understanding
I sit alongside you as a fellow fallible human being. Not a blank screen, but someone with warmth, openness and a willingness to be real. You are not alone in what you are carrying.
The effectiveness of our work together is reliant on HOW Honest, Open and Willing you are to discover the real you.
It is for you to take our work into your daily life.
Find out more about me and how I work.
Moving towards change
As these patterns begin to make sense, something often starts to shift. You may find yourself:
- Reacting more consciously
- Feeling more emotionally steady
- Understanding your needs more clearly
- Relating to others with confidence
- Feeling more connected within yourself
- Reaching for alcohol or food less
- Feeling less driven by the automatic cycle of coping
- Developing a different and kinder relationship with yourself
Our work is not about you becoming a different person. It is about becoming more yourself. It is about Awareness, Accountability and Action, so you can live as you.
You may also find these pages helpful
Relationships - find out more
Loss and bereavement - find out more
Couple counselling - find out more
Cost
Individual — first session complimentary, then £65 per 60 minute session
Couple — first session £50 (includes pre-assessment), then £85 per 60 minute session
Trainee counsellors — £50 per 60 minute session
Reduced daytime rates are available for individuals (£60) and couples (£80). Please mention this when you get in touch.
I am a recognised therapist for Bupa, Aviva, AXA, WPA and Vitality Health employee assistance programmes.
Find out more about costs and frequently asked questions.
Contact
Please click here to contact me directly.
Email: harmoniouscounselling@gmail.com
Telephone 07941 305511
My answering machine is confidential.
Please note:- If your number is not familiar, and you do not leave a message, I will not call you back as I am unaware of your personal circumstances.
Text / WhatsApp 07941 305511
Closing thought
"If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got."
If you want change, we can begin by simply exploring what is happening for you right now, through awareness of what you have experienced. We will weave this into our work.
In the words of Carl Jung, "I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become."
What will you choose to become today?
